Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
