I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
