Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
