Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
