Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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