I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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