Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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