im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
