Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize