so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
