i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize