So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
