I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
