You just made me feel so damn special
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
we're so committed to being not committed
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
