things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
