hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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