My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
