If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
