The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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