Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
