this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
