There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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