My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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