I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
