i need an iv and a liver transplant
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
