here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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