guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
