you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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