My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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