I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
