I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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