theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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