Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
