I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
