dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize