Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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