you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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