I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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