Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
