The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
