My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
