And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
