i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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