did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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