i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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