I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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