Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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