I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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