Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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