My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
