Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
