Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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