I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
