here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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