hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
