When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize