this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize