My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Randomize
