Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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