my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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