You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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